Vamp in the Dorm:

My Tear as Dracula's College Roommate

by John Cosper

Dark Shadow Publishing will release a new book later this year by 22-year old author Zachary B. Bryant called "Vamp in the Dorm: My Year as Dracula's College Roommate." Although many have written the book off as a work of fiction, journalists have found evidence that many of the book's key events relating to a mysterious man called "Bill Jones" did take place. The following are excerpts from this soon to be best seller.

"Bill"

 He called himself Bill Jones, but I knew right away who he was. His skin was pale as a corpse, he dressed all in black, and he only took night courses. Plus you couldn't see his reflection when he went past the mirror in the john. You do the math...

Roommates

 I guess Drac liked me pretty well. There were three of us in the dorm room together, and he turned Roger (that's our other roomie) into his thrawl and not me. Roger was your typical first time away from home party animal. He was drunk every night, staggering in around 4 am, when he would blast the TV and wax philosophical about Led Zeppelin. I guess he was interfering with Drac's studies because two weeks into the semester, Roger changed completely. He quit partying and drinking and started eating bugs. It was gross at first, but Drac and I made a game of it, competing to see who could find the grossest treat to feed Roger.

 Roger still went out from time to time, trolling for innocent sorority babes to bring back for Drac's meals. He didn't have a lot of luck, except at homecoming. The girls were drinking so much that weekend, they weren't choosy. Drac ate pretty well...

Biogenetics Major

 Drac and I were both in the biogenetics program, but for different reasons. Having a brother with leukemia, I wanted to find a cure. Drac just wanted to know how to synthesize blood. Give the guy credit. It would have led to a more normal life. Instead of preying on the innocent and lurking in the shadows, he could enjoy the symphony and hang out with other cultural elites.

 He was the worst math student I ever saw. I think he was glad not to turn me, because I was a big help to him. It was sort of a baby step to a new life for him, you know? We studied for hours on end, pulling all-dayers as he called them. We talked biogenetics, politics, girls. Then we would go hunt bugs for Roger.

 It wasn't all one way though. When it came to the arts, he would tutor me. I probably would have bombed music appreciation if it wasn't for him. The guy knew Beethoven well. Not the music, the man. That explains a lot, I guess...

Pam

 She was my first real girlfriend. Having never been in a relationship before, I was your typical "do anything to please her" type. The girl walked all over me, borrowed my stuff, took my money, took me away from my friends. Total user, and I was being used up.

 Drac sat down and was like, "Dude, what are you doing? The girl for you is going to let you be you, not turn you into her own thrawl. I mean geez, you wanna be like Roger?"

 He was right. I dumped her that evening over dinner, then went out for a walk. She came by my dorm room while I was gone. Drac drank her dry. I like to think he was just saving me from myself.

Sports

 Drac ruled the Indoor Track team. When he walked on at the first practice, all the young kids laughed. But after dusting the state champ in the hurdles, he was offered a full ride. Drac turned it down, of course. Wealthy as he was, he was not going to let his vampiric powers deprive some deserving kid of a chance to compete. 

 Drac lettered in indoor track, dominating the hurdles, high jump, long jump, you name it. Our school had its first shot at a national title thanks to him. But the coach made some bad calls picking the relay teams for the final events. He pulled Drac out of the relay he had anchored all year, then he pulled Drac's buddy Karen out of the women's relay. We lost the meet and came in second. That night the coach vanished. The FBI calls it a missing persons case, but we all know what really happened.

Spring Break

 We went to Panama City. I felt sorry for Drac because he would be cooped up in a hotel room most of the time. But he didn't care. All those college kids partying, staggering around at night, it was like a buffet line for him.

 Drac got really ticked off at the Girls Being Bad people. Drac was a bloodsucking fiend, but he was no perv, and he did not approve of such shenanigans. They harrassed our friend April into appearing on camera, and she tearfully shared her shame with Drac. The next morning, police found a bloodbath aboard the GBB mess. Sure, they should have opened up a homicide investigation, but the cops never cared for those jerks either. The whole story was buried.

 April made Drac a replica Hogwarts scarf to thank him. Drac loved Harry Potter. The guy was a freak over those books.

The End

 One day we noticed these freaks running around campus. They called themselves the Brotherhood of Van Helsing. Creepy gypsy types with accents handing out fliers with warning signs on them about vampires.

 I ran up to the room with a flier to warn Drac, but by the time I got there, he was gone. No trace of Drac or Roger. Campus security interviewed me for a while when Roger's parents called looking for him. I told them Roger kind of did his own thing, and I had no clue where he had gone off to.

 I wondered if Drac even thought about sticking around and facing his accusers. If he explained why he was even in college, would it have made a difference? Would anyone have cared? No, Drac was not perfect. But who is? He was trying, though, and he was well on his way. I'm sorry we never gave him the chance.

 A few weeks later I found an envelope tucked in my art appreciation text book. There were some study notes for the final inside, unsigned, and a money order for twenty five bucks - his half of the money for the Wrestlemania pay-per-view. Drac was many things, but he was always fair and honest with money, and he was the biggest Undertaker fan I have ever known.