The Undesirables: Rise of Major Apathy

Part Three of the Major Apathy Saga

By John Cosper

Sara made her way to the secret meeting place of the Undesirables, the world's last and least wanted super heroes. She maneuvered the streets of the team's home town, checking for tails at every turn. She circled back two or three times, just as her mentor had taught her years before in college. Satisfied, she killed the lights and made the turn into the parking lot, parking in the rear, and making her way around the front of the building, where a woman in an apron greeted her with the familiar words:

"Hi, welcome to Denny's."

"I'm meeting some people," said Sara.

The hostess nodded and got out of the way. Sara walked to the back booth, where Brian and Sharon sat with a very anxious George.

"You," said Sara.

"Long time no see, huh?" said George.

"This is the guy?" said Sara. "This is the new hero you've found? Mr. Reluctance?"

"Actually, I was thinking something like Major Apathy," said Brian, chomping on his second slice of no-sugar apple pie. "It suits him well."

"Because I don't want to be a hero!" said George.

"Yeah, not argument here," said Sara. "Forget it, you guys. A hero has a desire to do right. This guy doesn't care about anyone but himself."

"Thank you," said George. "Now if you'll excuse me--"

"Then again," said Sara. "If he has been blessed with great power..."

"Not the Spider-Man speech again, please!" said George. "For Pete's sake, get some new material."

"I use it because it's true," said Sara. "All of us here are gifted in one form or another, and we've chosen to use those powers for good."

"I didn't ask for my powers!" said George.

"I didn't ask for the ability to walk through walls and create clever legal maneuvers," said Sara. "I was born with one and learned the other. Now here I am."

"I didn't ask for the power of pink to descend on me from the walls of a hideously ugly pink marble church, granting me and my pink sweatpants the power to shoot lasers and fly," said Sharon.

Brian spoke up next. "And how was I to know the radiation leak at the power plant where I used to work had chemically altered that fateful can of Mountan Dew, forever giving me the power of super speed and -- hey, look, cheesy fries!"

"Face it, George," said Sharon. "You have a destiny. You were blessed with powers by the same source that blessed us. This is where you belong."

"Look, I don't even know what kind of powers I have. So I have indestructible skin. That doesn't mean I have other powers."

"Yeah," said Brian. "We should test them. Can you bend this spoon with your mind like that kid on Matrix?"

"Look, everybody!" a trucker over by the counter pointed to the TV. "He's back on."

Sharon, Brian, and Sara ran to the TV, where Band Geek 13 was making yet another threat against the city.

"I warned you not to go near my exploding trombone! Lucky for all of you, some new hero is in town who was able to stop it."

Brian elbowed George in the ribs. George elbowed him back - hard, cracking a rib.

"Super strength," Brian whispered to Sharon. "Check."

"But in the process of recovering the exploding trombone, I lost something even more devastating - my exploding Sousaphone, a bomb so powerful, it would destroy half the state."

The patrons in Dennys gasped. A weak-willed assistant manager threw up.

"I doubt even your new hero can absorb that much explosion. I will deactivate the bomb, but first I need to find Bridget. So if anyone sees her, please, let me know so the city will be saved."

The screen went to fuzz, then two bean-headed local reporters gabbed about hidden meanings.

"We've got to find that Sousaphone," said Sharon.

"I thought that was just something Dr. Seuss made up," said Brian.

"He didn't say where it was," said Sara. "We'll have to search the city."

"I'll do you one better," said George. "How about I use my mad Internet skills and find this Bridget? Then you can make this guy go away and leave me alone too."

Brian nodded, impressed. "Super intelligence, check!"

The foursome piled into Sara's car. George pulled out his laptop, and with super fast fingers, he managed to pinpoint the location of the mysterious Bridget. Sara made the forty minute drive in twenty minutes - not a feat of super speed, but simply a lead foot.

They knocked on the door of the tiny apartment. A nerdy-looking guy with a buzz cut answered. "What's the password?"

Sharon answered by kicking the door in.

"Where's Bridget?" she demanded.

"I don't know any Bridget!" said the nerd.

"I'll be the judge of that," said George, moving toward the computer at the center of the room, a masterpiece of gaming hardware. He sat down at the keyboard and went to work.

"A ha!" said George. "I found her."

One click of a button, and there she was - Bridget the chainsaw-wielding fairy.

"A video game?" said Sara. "All this trouble over a video game?"

"It's not a game," said the nerd. "That's Bridget, the most powerful fairy in all of Warcraft. Band Geek 13 created her, but I wooed and won her heart."

"I don't know if you're aware of this," said Sharon, "But that idiot is holding the city hostage over that fairy."

"I saw it on the news," said the nerd. "Please, I didn't mean any harm. Don't send me to jail."

"We won't," said Sara. "But just so you remember..." Sara grabbed the back of the nerd's underwear and pulled it forward over his head. "An Atomic Wedgie from the Ice Pick."

George copied the fairy onto a disc, and the four heroes left the apartment - running smack into Band Geek 13 and his loyal army of band geeks.

"Stop!" said Band Geek 13. "That's far enough. Give me Bridget!"

"Here you go," said George, holding out the disc. Sharon pulled his arm down.

"Not unless you give up the Sousaphone," said Sharon.

"Lady, I promise I'll get the Sousaphone."

"You think we'll take the word of a super-villain?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" said Band Geek 13. "Super-villain? I'm no villain! Just a geek who wants his fairy back."

"Then what's with all the exploding instruments and threatening messages?" said Sharon.

"Look, I don't want to be evil, okay?" Band Geek 13 sounded sincere. "It's just that sometimes I do evil things without meaning to. Like when I accidentally blew up the school in the third grade science fair. I didn't know I was building a nuclear reactor. It just sort of happened." He sighed. "I guess it's hard to understand."

"No, not really," said George. "Some times things happen, and destiny kinda gets chosen for us."

"You think so?"

"Well, that's my experience lately. I won the lottery, and all I wanted to do was lay around and goof off. But then I got these annoying super powers. Like I'm pretty sure I can manipulate every metal instrument in your band."

On cue, all the instruments with metal flew out of the students hands - then crashed to the ground.

"Ability to manipulate metal - check!" said Brian.

Band Geek 13 suddenly was filled with rage. "Dude, those instruments were expensive! We're gonna sue you!"

"Sorry, kid," said Sara, waving the waiver with the mayor's signature overhead. "We got a waiver."

"Then you will die!" Band Geek turned to a Sousaphone player behind them. "Blast them!" The other band kids ran in fear as the Sousaphone player armed the bomb.

"Aw, crap," said George, rolling his eyes. He charged the Sousaphone player, ripped the instrument off the kid, then wrapped it around Band Geek 13.

"You like space movies, kid?" said George. He lifted Band Geek 13 and the Sousaphone and threw them into space, where they exploded, knocking out the satellite feed for the Inspiration Network.

"Your did it!" Sharon shouted.

"Three cheers for Major Apathy!" shouted Brian. "Hip hip hooray! Hip hip-- ooh, shiny!" Brian ran after a piccolo he spotted on the ground.

"So I guess there's a hero in you after all," said Sara.

George sighed and rolled his eyes. "If anyone needs me, I'll be online fighting evil with Bridget."