The Undesirables: The Phantom Menace

Part One of the Major Apathy Saga

By John Cosper

Mike Keys never dreamed that when he left work that morning, he was on a collision course with destiny. Yet as he turned onto the highway, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he ran straight into it in bold letters - on the side of the semi-tractor trailer hauling Destiny brand toilet bowls.

The truck driver struggled to maintain control of his vehicle, but the impact of the old Omni hatchback toppled the mighty truck into a ravine. George Sullivan climbed out of the cab, bruised and a little ticked off. "Aw, man! This is gonna come right out of my paycheck!"

Mike Keys, meanwhile, was trapped, his car hopelessly interlocked with dozens of porcelain thrones in the back of the trailer. He screamed and screamed for help, but buried deep within the back of the trailer... there was no help to be found.

An hour later, police were on the scene, along with Julia Green, the field reporter for local action news. Someone else reached the scene almost as quickly - attorney Sara Miller, with two waivers in hand. The wily lawyer slipped past the police tape, down to the truck, and, discreetly, walked through the steel and porcelain, through the car door, and into the passenger seat, causing poor Mike Keys to nearly wet himself.

"Hello," said Sara.

"Are you a witch?" said Mike Keys.

Sara nearly walked out right there. "Wow, someone shows up, miraculously walks through walls to try and save you, you think she's a witch. How can you assume I'm a witch? Maybe I'm an angel? DId you ever think about that?"

"Okay," said Mike Keys. "Are you an angel?"

"I'm a lawyer," said Sara.

"Then I know you're no angel," he quipped back.

"I'm here to help you," she said. "I can get you out of this truck. But I need something from you."

"What's that?"

Sara handed him a waiver form. "Just a signature."

A few moments later, Sara was out of the truck, walking over to George. "Excuse me," she said. "Can I have a word with you?"

"What do you want?" said George, suffering through a cold cup of coffee.

"I'm Sara Miller, attorney at law," she said.

"Look, lady, I just drive the trucks. You wanna sue somebody, sue my employer."

"I'm not here to sue you," she said. "I'm trying to save that man in the truck."

"Whatever," said George. "Just leave me out of it."

"I just need a signature from you," said Sara.

"On what?"

"A waiver form," said Sara. "Which says that you will not sue my clients for any damages caused as a result of their attempt to free the young man trapped in your vehicle."

"Damages??" said George. "Just what kind of clients are these people?"

"Look!" shouted a small child. "Up in the sky!"

George looked up and saw them - the Pink Nightmare, descending from the sky, with ADHD Man hanging on to her feet. "Careful, Sharon!" shouted the hyperactive hero, as his pink partner accidentally flew him into the side of a police cruiser. He bounced up and brushed himself off. "I'm okay!" he said to the snapping photographers.

"Those are your clients?" said George. "The ones that tore up an entire city? The, the, Unmentionables?"

"The Undesirables," Sara corrected him. "Now if you don't mind--"

"Oh but I do mind," said George. "I'm not signing that!"

"A young man's life hangs in the balance," said Sara. "Will you please sign?"

"Forget it!!" shouted George.

"Sir, please! There's no time to waste! Mike Keys is in the car!"

"Don't you have a spare set?" said George.

Sara shook her head. "No, not my key. Mike Keys!"

"I'm confused," said George.

"Sir, if you don't sign--"

"If I sign, and those clowns tear up my truck, I get to pay for it! And the way Destiny Toilets, LLC. pays, I'll be an indentured servant the rest of my life!"

"What's going on?" said Sharon, her pink sweatpants glowing in the early morning light. "Are we doing this?"

"He won't sign," said Sara.

"Did you tell him he has an obligation to society? He has the power to save a life?"

"Lady, I'm not even supposed to be working today," said George. "I got called into work because some jerk got mono. I should be playing Halo right now!"

"Look, buddy," said Sharon, "We can't act without a waiver. You have the power, and with great power comes--"

"Yeah, yeah, I saw Spider-Man," said George. "And guess what? I don't want any great power!"

The argument continued outside, while poor Mike Keys say in his car, waiting. It was then another figure appeared in the seat, first as a fog, then as a man shrouded in mystery, with a black face mask and a bright white X across his features.

"You must be one of the Undesirables," said Mike.

"No," hissed the strange figure. "But I am Undesirable."

"Whatever," said Mike Keys. "You gonna free me now?"

"I will," said the man, "But first, I need something from you."

"What now?" said Mike Keys. "You want me to pay you?"

The mystery man hissed. "I want your SOUL!!!"

Outside the truck, Brian posed for the photographers while Sharon and Sara continued to argue with George.

"Someone has to do something, okay?" said Sara. "Someone has to step up and be a hero."

"Then you can do the damage and pay for all those broken toilets!" said George.

"A man's life is in your hands!" Sharon yelled. "It is your responsibility!"

"I didn't ask for this responsibility, okay?"

"No," said Sara. "You didn't. But if you won't take responsibility, someone else--"

She didn't get any further. The truck began to shake and tremble, and a roar from the depths of Hell emanated from inside. Suddenly the truck exploded, and a huge, monsterfied version of Mike Keys smashed through the remains.

"MIKE KEYS!" the monster Mike Keys smashed the cab of the truck with his fists. "MIKE KEYS!" The reporters and cops began to flee, one of them screaming, "Quick! Someone give him his keys!"

George, meanwhile, grew more apathetic by the moment. "I am not paying for that! They can't make me!"

"Sharon?" said Sara.

"Brian!" Sharon shouted. "Do the Dew!"

Brian dutifully pulled a can of Mountain Dew from his power belt and chugged it. Supercharged, he raced toward Mike Keys at lightning speed, knocking his feet out from under him.

Sharon launched into the air, her pink sweatpants gleaming, and blasted Mike Keys with her laser beam eyes. "Mike Keys!" The monster groaned. Sharon blasted him again. "Mike Keys!" The human features of the beast slowly returned. Sharon gave him one more pink-powered laser blast. He shrank immediately to human form.

Mike Keys stood up, shaking his head. "What happened?"

Sara approached Mike Keys. "Looks like some evil forces tried to take you from us. You're safe now."

"Thank you!" Mike Keys hugged Sara. "Thank you so much!"

EMT's moved in to take charge of poor Mike Keys. Sara turned to look for George - but he was already gone.

"Sharon, that was dynamic!" said Brian, high-fiving his pink partner. The two of them walked over to their attorney.

"Where did he run off to?" asked Sharon.

"I don't know," said Sara. "He was kind of a jerk."

"Yes," said Sharon. "But a cute one."

George arrived back at Destiny Toilets thirty minutes later, prepared to get pink-slipped for losing the truck that morning. He still didn't believe it was his fault, but he knew his employer would see things different.

George walked into the shipping office to cheers and confetti. All of his buddies were there, wearing party hats and smoking cigars.

"What's going on?" George asked as a party hat was attached to his head.

"We're rich!" his old friend Martin screamed. "We won the lottery!"

George broke into a huge smile. "Are you serious??"

Martin hugged George. "We did it, buddy! One of our tickets paid off!"

"Oh boy," said Clyde. "Three hundred million split eight ways!"

"We'll never have to work again!" screamed Martin. "Freedom!"

George had never been happier - and never would be again. For at that moment, the meteorite from Planet X crashed on top of Destiny Toilets - killing everyone but George.

To be continued...