The Undesirables: Day of the Documentary Filmmakers

The Undesirables: Day of the

Documentary Filmmakers!

By John Cosper

It was a beautiful day in our nation's capitol, when attorney Sara Miller took her good friend Sandy on a surprise trip to visit the historic sites of Washington DC. All was well on this bright shiny day, until the ladies reached the Smithsonian, where Sara shed a tear in front of one of America’s great treasures.

“It makes me so proud,” said Sara. It fills me with patriotism and love of country.”

“Sure, Sara,” said Sandy. “Whatever.”

“Isn't it beautiful? this marvelous piece of history preserved for all time.”

Yeah,” Sandy yawned. “Thrilling.”

“Take a picture of me by it. Please?”

“Are you serious?” said Sandy. “All the things to see in Washington, this is what you want a photo of?”

“This is history!” said Sara. “This is what my ancestors fought and died for!”

“It's a chair!”

“It's archie bunker's chair!” said Sara. “And that's Fonzie's jacket. And Indiana Jones's hat, whip, and jacket! And Mr. Rogers's sweater! and Dorothy's ruby slippers! And Oscar the Grouch! Oscar the Grouch, Sandy!”

“Sara,” said Sandy, “what curriculum taught you that our founding fathers died for Archie Bunker?”

“The same book that said they died for free speech, which implies we also have the right to say what we want, eat what we want, and do what we want without fear of censure or—“

The wall of the Smithsonian exploded, and two angry men with cameras entered while tourists fled. Sara and Sandy tried to make it to the door, but they were cut off by the two men who hate America more than any other.

“Michael Moore and Morgan Spurlock!” shouted Sandy.

“Nobody move!” shouted Michael Moore. “Easy does it, all of you. Now line up like good hostages, and one at a time, I'll film you saying how much America sucks!”

“Never!” said Sara.

“You’ll do it!” said Morgan Spurlock, “Then I’ll film you eating pizza until you die for my new documentary, “30 Minutes or Death!”

Sara reached down and activated the distress signal on her watch, flashing a warning beacon in New York at the headquarters of the Undesirables!

“Holy underwear!” shouted Brian. “Sara's in trouble!”

“Holy underwear?” said Sharon. “Did you just say holy underwear?”

“It’s Sara’s distress call! We have to get to DC.”

“I'm not going anywhere with some cornball sidekick who says holy underwear!”

“Since when am I your sidekick?” said Brian.

“Since I got the brains and you got... umm, a cute cape?”

“Say what you want,” said Brian, “But me and my cape are going to save Sara!”

Brian ripped off his civilian clothes, revealing his ADHD man costume and cape, and raced for the door – to the broom closet – running inside and smashing into the back wall.

“Now that you're done saving the coat closet,” said Sharon, putting on her pink sweatpants, “Let’s use the back door to go outside and fly to DC.”

Moments later, The Pink Nightmare was in the air, carrying her partner ADHD Man toward the home of the reluctant member of their band, George “Major Apathy” Sullivan. The hero was in the middle of an X-Files marathon, and refused to answer the door. So Sharon kicked it in and zapped the TV with her laser eyes.

“Hey! What gives?” said George.

”Sara’s in trouble! We have to get to DC!”

“Have fun,” said George. “I have to go TV shopping.

Sharon and Brian wrestled the hero into his Major Apathy costume, then the three took off for the nation’s capital. Sharon followed the distress signal to the Smithsonian, where they saw the gaping hole in the side of the building. They hunkered down outside the rubble to get a better look.

“What do you see?” said Brian.

“It looks like angry documentary filmmakers who hate America and everything she stands for, an ironic stance because no where else in the world would they be afforded the freedom to criticize their government like they are here in the States.”

“Sounds like fun,” said George. “I’m gonna go see the Air and Space Museum.”

“Stand your ground,” said Sharon. “I have a plan.”

Inside the Smithsonian, Michael Moore put his big, fat hands on Sara’s arm. “You! Get over here!”

“What do you want, fatty?” said Sara.

“Look into my camera,” he snarled, “and tell me how much you hate America and mom and apple pie!”

“I like apple pie,” said Sara. “And America, and my mom!”

“Tell me how much you hate NASCAR and how it pollutes the environment and and supports big business.”

“Hey, I like NASCAR too!” said Sara.

“Tell me you hate TV!” Michael Moore shouted. “Say it!”

“Sandy, get the fat guy away from me!” said Sara.

“Sandy can't help you!” crowed Morgan Spurlock. “She's too busy eating the new cheese-in-the-crust pizza for my documentary!”

Sara could see Sandy, gleefully eating the tasty pizza. She looked out the open wall, wondering where those idiot heroes were.

The idiot heroes were, unfortunately, busy.

“I don’t see why you get to make the plans,” said Brian. “Maybe I have a plan!”

“You can’t plan!” said Sharon. “You’re the sidekick!”

“I am not!”

“You are too!”

“Just because you had your powers first—“

“I have serious power,” said Sharon. “Come on, ADHD power? That’s comic relief. That’s sidekick junk.”

“Even if it is, you don’t think Tonto had good ideas now and then?”

“Whoa, you are no Tonto,” said Sharon. “You’re more like Robin on Pixy Sticks.”

“Robin!” Why you—“

“Oh for crying out loud,” said George, who had had enough. He ran into the building, grabbed Indiana Jones’s whip out of the case, and in two cracks knocked the cameras out of Michael Moore and Morgan Spurlock’s hands.

“What’s the meaning of this?”

“This is for making shoddy propaganda films under the guise of objective documentary making!” George hit Michael Moore in the face. He then turned to Morgan Spurlock. “And this is for getting trans fats banned!” He kicked Morgan Spurlock in the stomach.

“I was trying to save your life,” Morgan Spurlock wheezed.

“Because of you, there’s no more McDonaldland characters. You put a whole town out of business! And French fries don’t taste the same either! So this is for Grimace! And this is for Hamburglar! And this is for Mayor McCheese!”

“George, look out!”

George turned to see Michael Moore, charging him with lies and doctored footage cut together to make it seem George hated America. George ducked the charges, then Brian raced in with the power of ADHD and punched Michael Moore hard in the stomach, causing him to cough up all the footage he cut from his movies that told the real truth.

“Look!” said Sandy. “All the lies Michael Moore has told are exposed!”

“America is saved!” Sara shouted.

“Help!” said Brian. “My fist is stuck in Michael Moore’s fat stomach!”

Sharon and George spent five minutes pulling Brian’s fist out of the fat filmmaker, then another five minutes digging back into the fat to recover Brian’s watch. Then they tied Morgan Spurlock and Michael Moore together. Morgan Spurlock could see Mr. Roger’s sweater in the case before him. Moved, he began to weep.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Rogers,” he whispered. “Forgive us!”

“Thank the Lord, America is saved!” shouted Sandy.

“And McDonaldland!” said George, drawing the stares of everyone. “What, like I’m not the only one thinking it? Forget you people. I’ll stay home next time.”

“Well,” Brian said to Sharon, “Looks like I saved the day. Who’s a sidekick now?”

Outside the Smithsonian a siren began to wail.

“It’s the FBI!” said Sandy. “At last, these liars will be brought to justice.”

“Sara,” said Sharon, “Did you get a waiver from the Smithsonian Institute before we came in and trashed it?”

Sara smiled. “RUN!!”