The Undesirables: Origins

By John Cosper

It started with a tiny lizard, a rare, indigenous breed that only grows in the Pacific Northwest in the deepest part of the forest. No one had even heard of the Vomitor Lizard until the animal rights wackos went out combing the forest for a reason why the Washington State Nuclear Commission couldn't dump their waste in the heart of the ancient forest. They still might not have found the elusive creature had it not been for the kid from Berkeley who was trying to find hallucinogenic frogs for a quick hit. It was he, a drug-crazed loon, who discovered the Vomitor, saving the forest and forcing the Washington State Nuclear Commission to dump their waste deep in the Pacific Ocean, where the deadly toxins came in contact with the tiny, innocent sea turtle. The turtle began to glow, and then to grow, slowly, steadily, in size and temperament.

All this was completely unknown to the general public, of course. The Washington State Nuclear Commission made the drop by cover of night during a busy news cycle, when all of America - nay, the whole world - was focused on the California metropolis known as Pacific City. The trial of the century some called it, People versus Sharon Taylor, aka The Pink Nightmare, and Brian Harper, aka ADHD Man, together known as LAW – the League of Amazing Wonders. Dressed proudly in their handmade super hero costumes, the two sat silently as their nervous, sweating public defender rose to make his final arguments.

"Superman," Dudley Travers began, "Batman. Aquaman. The Green Lantern. Spider-Man. We all had heroes when we were kids. We all aspired to fly. To have super powers. To save the world. We aspired, but we never achieved. Why? Because we didn't have the gifts.

"But these two before you do." Dudley gestured weakly at his clients. "Sharon Taylor did not ask for the color pink to give her the ability to fly and shoot lasers out of her eyes. She was given a gift. And Brian Harper did not ask that caffeine would give him super strength and super speed. It was a gift."

Dudley turned back to the jury. "You have heard sworn testimony that Dr. Anthrax had murdered innocent civilians. You heard from multiple experts that the doomsday device would have caused far more devastation than these heroes caused in stopping that fiend. So a few city blocks got wrecked. The city - nay, the world was saved! Because two heroes were called and gifted to save us."

Dudley smiled, pleased with himself. He held a moment longer, counting three Mississippis silently like his mentor taught him, then he raced to his seat, pouring another glass of water.

The legs of steel of prosecutor Erin Mulroney uncrossed as she prepared for her final argument. The hard-nosed lawyer sneered at Dudley as she approached the jury.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury," she began, "Please excuse Mr. Travers for his blatant disregard for the separation of church and state. This talk about gifting, about heroes, and saving the world... I know you, like me, were not in the least bit swayed. For there is no god who gives gifts. Man is his own savior and salvatian, and man..." Erin turned to glare at the defendants. "Is bound by law.

"That's right, law. Law that says vigilantes who believe that they are better able to fight crime than trained professionals should be punished. Law that says those who cause wanton destruction of property and the loss of life - good or evil - must be punished.

"And then there are the natural laws." Erin paced a bit, making eye contact with one juror at a time. "Laws that say the fittest will survive. Yes, Dr. Anthrax would have killed more people. But who would be first to go? The weak. The sick. The lame. The disabled. The elderly. If you ask me, Dr. Anthrax was just perpetuating the circle of life that allowed us to ascend from pond scum to the top of the food chain.

"No, ladies and gentlemen," said Erin. "These people are not gifted. They are not blessed from on high, and they are not charged with some holy crusade. They are law breakers who murdered a once respected scientist turned bad, who needed rehabilitation, not a death sentence. They are vandals who destroyed public and private property estimated in the hundreds of millions.

"There's a word for their kind, and it's not heroes," Erin said, condescendingly. "It's terrorists."

The gallery, filled with business owners whose property had been destroyed in the Battle for Downtown Pacific City, erupted in applause as Erin moved to her seat. The judge banged his gavel, calling for order.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you have a ten minute recess. Then you will convene in the deliberation room. The defendants are ordered to stay in the building. I don't expect this to last long."

He banged his gavel again, dismissing the court. Police officers whisked the defendants and their attorney out a side door.

A solitary figure in the back row stood from her seat, picked up her briefcase, and left the room, unnoticed by the press corps, as she walked through the back wall of the courtroom.

"What is the matter with people?" Sharon pounded her fist on the table, then grabbed a Dorito out of the newly opened bag. "We didn't ask for these powers. What are we supposed to do, sit on our hands and watch the city burn?"

"They're going to make us wear jumpsuits," said Brian, twiddling his thumbs. "Horizontal stripes. I don't look good in horizontal stripes."

"They're orange in this state," Sharon corrected him.

"I can deal with that," said Brian. "I wanted to go orange on my uniform anyway."

"We have to appeal this," said Sharon. "We'll go right to the Supreme Court if we have to!"

"The Supreme Court?" Dudley adjusted his tie, gasping for air. "I don't think I can do it. Stand in front of my idol, Justice Thomas?"

"Who says we're taking you?" said Sharon. "You bungled this from the beginning."

"Me?" Dudley squeaked.

"Yes, you!" said Sharon. "This is the most PC city in the most liberal state in the country. Maybe the world. There are three card-carrying Commies on the city council. How could you bring up God?"

"You brought it up first!" Dudley fired back. "Didn't you say you got your powers in a vision?"

"Yes!" said Sharon. "But that doesn't mean it's the best defense in that court room. You should have stayed on the preservation of life, and focused on what we do that the cops can't."

"Do they have cable in prison?" Brian mused.

"Look, I did my best. Okay? You want a better lawyer? You gotta pay for it. I'm just a dirt poor public defender." Dudley checked his watch. "Who is so fired from my night job at Red Lobster if they don't hurry this along."

"Go ahead, get lost," said Sharon. "We can go to jail without you."

"Who's going to file the appeal motion?" said Dudley.

"Not you anyway," said Sharon.

Dudley collected his things quickly. "For the record, I love you guys. It was an honor, and I am so sorry I suck at this job." He walked to the door, then turned. "If you get off, dinner's on me at Red Lobster. Unless I'm fired."

And he was gone.

"Sharon, you gotta watch my back in there. I can't defend myself."

"Just keep a steady supply of Mountain Dew in your cell," said Sharon. "They'll never touch you when you're in ADHD mode."

"What if they cut me off? They know about my powers!"

"They don't believe in super powers," said Sharon. "They don't believe in anything."

"I just want it to be over," said Brian. "No more trials, no more court rooms."

"Don't hold your breath. Remember, we have the copyright infringement suit after this one."

"Oh, right." Brian rolled his eyes. As if the ungrateful citizens weren't enough to deal with, the Lobbyists for Albino Women had filed suit against the heroes for copping their acronym, LAW. "Stupid albinos."

The two heroes jumped to their feet as a young woman walked into the conference room, directly through the wall.

"Ah, there you are," she said. "I've been in two bathrooms and the judge's lounge looking for you."

"How did you do that?" said Brian.

"I have a super power, just like you," she said. "My name is Sara Miller."

"You're that attorney! The one on TV!" Brian grinned. "She advertises during Family Feud. They call her the Ice Pick!"

"The Ice Pick?" said Sharon.

"We all have our origin stories," said Sara, who had worked her way through law school carving ice sculptures for a wedding caterer.

"Why not call yourself Shadow Cat?" said Brian.

"Because I don't want to be sued," said Sara. "A problem someone should have consulted you kids on long ago."

"Yeah, well, you're about three months too late," said Sharon. "Another hour or so, we'll be on our way to jail."

"Not necessarily," said Sara. She opened her briefcase and pulled out some documents.

"What's all this?" said Brian.

"A plea deal. It says you will make restitution to the city, change your team name to something that won't violate international copyright laws, and never again enter Pacific City without the consent of the city and its officials."

Sharon grabbed the documents. "You serious?"

"Very," said Sara.

"Look, even if they bought it, we could never pay restitution," said Brian.

"Restitution will come from a secret monetary fund held in Switzerland," said Sara. "You're not the first super-powered heroes to run into the PC shock police. The world thinks it doesn't need divine help. They think they can save themselves. They can't, and it's up to people like us to save them from themselves."

Sharon leaned back in her chair, arms folded. "After what they did to us? They can just die next time, for all I care."

"You don't mean that," said Sara.

"Yes, I do," said Sharon. "Let the herd be thinned, like that lawyer said. Then let them come pleading and begging for our help."

"Miss Nightmare, dear ADHD Man," said Sara, "It's not a choice. You were chosen. You were called. That power isn't given by man, but by someone much higher. And he expects you to use it."

"Why?" said Brian.

Sara smiled. "Because the one who sent us loves them unconditionally."

"He's a fool," said Sharon. "He should wipe them out and start over."

"He did that once, and he promised never to go that route again," said Sara. "So here we are. Super heroes, every one of us. Walking miracles, waiting to save a world that doesn't want saving. It's not an easy life, and hey, if you really don't want to use your powers, that's your choice too. But it doesn't change the facts."

"And what facts are those?" sneered Sharon.

"Like it or not the world still needs us."

Thirty minutes later, the jury was told they would no longer need to deliberate. This came as quite a shock to the twelve men and women who took five minutes to arrive at a guilty verdict, but then found the door to the jury room would not open. The plea deal was signed, and the three heroes and their new attorney were out of town by sunset - after stopping off at Red Lobster for a quick freebie dinner.

"You'll need a new name," said Sara. "Something that won't get you sued again."

"People with Extraordinary Talents and Abilities!" Brian blurted out.

"PETA's already taken," said Sara. "You don't wanna mess with them."

"National Organization of Wonders?" said Brian.

"You don't want the National Organization of Women coming after you any more than PETA."

"World Wonders Federation!" said Brian.

"World Wildlife Fund," said Sara. "They sued Vince McMahon and won, so no dice there either."

Sharon started to smile. "I know what we should be called. It's perfect."

Six months later, the giant sea turtle came ashore. The eighty-foot tall creature wreaked havoc on Pacific City, destroying buildings and killing hundreds - fit and unfit to survive. The radiation coming from the giant reptile spread a deadly cloud miles wide. Those who didn't get smashed or eaten were just as likely to die from radiation sickness.

The mayor sat in his nuclear bunker, nervous and sweating. The National Guard had been crushed. The governor had evacuated every city within a hundred miles. There was no hope. No escape. But that was when the lawyer walked into his bunker, right through the blast proof door.

"Mr. Mayor, my name is Sara Miller. I represent a pair of heroes who can save your city and destroy that monster."

"Yeah?" said the Mayor. "If they can do it, and I'll reward you all! You'll be rich! You hear me? I'll give you anything."

Sara pulled out a document and set it on the table before the mayor. "All I want is a signature."

"What's this?" the mayor sniffed.

"A waiver of liability," said Sara, "which states that you and your city and all your citizens agree not to hold my clients liable for any damage they may cause in defending and saving your city. It also grants them permission to enter your city, which they cannot do unless you invite them. Sign this, and all will be well in a matter of hours."

"Who are you?" said the mayor. "And who are these heroes?"

"Individually, they are The Pink Nightmare and ADHD Man. But together?"

"Yes?"

"The Undesirables," said Sara with a smile.