The Undesirables: Attack of Band Geek 13

Part Two of the Major Apathy Saga

By John Cosper

George woke up in the hospital a new man. Everyone on the hospital staff knew he was a millionaire. They also knew he was a celebrity, the only survivor of a meteorite that crashed on his former employer, Destiny Toilets. BUt no one knew just how different George would be.

There were clues, of course. George did not have a broken bone in his body. Matter of fact, he hardly seemed scratched at all. But they kept him for observation and insurance payments anyway. A hot little nurse named Cathy came in with George's requested lunch and asked if he needed anything else.

"Yeah," said George. "Click it over to Sci-Fi for me."

The nurse obeyed, changing the channel just before the local station carried the disturbing web video from the super-villain known only as Band Geek 13.

"My girlfriend Bridget left me this morning. I'm a little upset about it. Matter of fact I am so upset, I left my exploding trombone at the city bus station. It's a devastating weapon, and if it goes off, well, it will probably destroy downtown. I know nobody wants that to happen. But I gotta get Bridget back. So please, help me find Bridget. Then I will go get my exploding trombone, and no one will get hurt."

The mayor clicked stop on the video, then he looked over at Sharon, Brian, and Sara.

"So you're the Unmentionables," he said.

"The Undesirables," Sara corrected him.

"You look pretty stupid to me," said the mayor. "Not so much you ladies, but this guy..."

"Hey," said Brian. "We may look stupid. And we may dress stupid. But when it comes to fighting the forces of evil we are all-- ooh, fireballs!" Brian grabbed the candy jar off the mayor's desk and inhaled two fireballs, burning his mouth intensely in the process.

"Listen, mayor," said Sara. "I know we don't look like much, but we took down Mike Keys before he could do any damage."

"That's all well and good," said the mayor, "But I'm still not convinced I need super heroes in my town."

"Mr. Mayor," said Sharon, "Like it or not, if you have a super-villain, you need super heroes."

The mayor signed the waiver form, and Brian and Sharon ran for the bus station. With her pink sweatpants glowing and his Mountain Dew in hand, they stepped into the vacated terminal.

"Hey Sharon?" said Brian. "Why would someone make an exploding trombone?"

"I don't know," said Sharon. "Obviously the work of a sick, twisted mind."

"Do you think he hates trombones?"

"No, it's probably just a gimmick. He calls himself Band Geek 13."

"That's an odd name, too," said Brian. "Sounds more like a chatroom handle than a--"

His sentence was cut off by an oboe - not playing, but swung at his face. Brian hit the ground as he and Sharon were suddenly surrounded by a dozen henchmen in marching band uniforms.

"Who are you?" said Sharon.

"We are from Band Geek 13!" said a guy wielding a baritone sax. "And we're here to stop you!"

"If you know what's good for you, you'll march on out of here!" said Sharon.

"Yeah, double time!" said Brian, standing up.

"We're gonna drum you outta the hero business!" shouted a short, round little girl with a bass drum.

"You're gonna be a cymbal for crime doesn't pay!" said Brian. "And then... we're gonna crash that cymbal. And... I uh..."

"Brian, let me do the puns," said Sharon.

"Why should you get to have all the fun?" said Brian. "I'm the dynamic one!"

"Why you--" Sharon grabbed the bari sax and threw it at Brian, who ducked. The sax hit the little girl with the bass drum in the face. She dropped the bass drum, which rolled over three of her fellow henchmen.

The winds charged at ADHD Man, but the wily hero was too quick with his Mountain Dew. With two quick gulps, he had the power of ADHD flowing through his body and he easily fought off the flutes and clarinets.

Sharon took to the air, using her laser beam eyes to heat up the brass instruments. The brass players dropped them, grasping their hands in pain as they fled.

The lone remaining cymbal player made a run for it, but ADHD Man hoisted up the bass drum and bowled the poor kid over. The battle was done in seconds.

"Dude, we just beat up a marching band," said Sharon. "That's kinda low. Like, that's just below stealing milk money from the crippled kids."

"They were evil, Sharon," said Brian.

Footsteps behind. They turned and saw him - Band Geek 13 - carrying off his exploding trombone.

"Stop! In the name of the law!" shouted Brian.

Band Geek 13 turned. "I don't want to use this! Just back off!"

Sharon and Brian took off running, chasing Band Geek 13 out of the building. They ran down the street, past the General Hospital - where George Sullivan had just been released. The trucker turned millionaire took one breath of free air - then fell to the ground as Band Geek 13 crashed into him - right on top of the exploding trombone.

"Noooooo!" Band Geek 13 screamed.

"Take cover!" shouted Sharon, pulling Brian behind a dumpster.

George, oblivious, looked down at the uncomfortable hunk of brass below him. "What's that ticking sound?"

KAB---OOF.

"Ow."

George felt the full force of the explosion - which, thanks to his super-powered skin, really didn't hurt so bad. Band Geek 13 didn't stop to ask questions; he just ran. Brian and Sharon moved in, full of questions but not knowing where to begin.

George recognized them immediately. "You!"

Sharon recognized him. "You!"

Brian saw a pack of Laffy Taffy that Band Geek 13 had dropped. "Yummy!"

Sharon helped George to his feet. "What just happened? And why are you here?"

"That was an exploding trombone. You just survived a huge bomb blast that I was trying to stop."

"You were trying to stop it?" said George. "Wow, good job."

"You stopped it for us," said Sharon. "And there's not a scratch on you! Do you know what this means?"

George shook his head no.

"You're a super hero, with super powers, like us."

George blinked. He looked at Brian, then at SHaron, then at the tattered remains of his shirt. All at once it hit him. He had great powers; now he really had great responsibility.

"Aww, crap!"

To be concluded...