By John Cosper

Annie awoke to a familiar sensation. As consciousness returned and her senses reported in, she immediately knew it was steel chains that smashed her breast and held her tight to... Yes, that was definitely a steel pipe of some kind. Annie flexed her toes, planted firmly on the ground beneath her. She detected the rugged stool beneath her tush, and sighed, realizing once again that she was in the clutches of some notorious super villain bent on world domination.

Such was the hazard of dating the world's most powerful super hero.

Her ears pricked up next, homing in on the maniacal laugh of her deranged captor. Her big brown eyes fluttered open, taking in her surroundings. The place was squalid, lit with fluorescent colors and a few torches. Large industrial pipes, maybe sewer pipes, ran the length of the ceiling. Computer consoles were scattered about with no sense of feng shui, as were a few counters covered with lab equipment. Not the dumpiest evil lair she'd ever been in, but no where near the nice places she was used to being held hostage.

Her gaze shifted to focus on the tall man dressed in black and purple robes. What was it with super villains and robes??? Seriously, the more fabric, the easier it would be to take control of a fight situation and incapacitate the would-be conqueror.

"Welcome, Annie!" The purple and black demon turned his glowing yellow eyes (x-ray specs, no doubt; great, another pervert looking at her shapely figure) on his captor. "I hope you had a nice nap."

Annie allowed a bored yawn, but did not say a word. The dark figure seemed put off by her silence, no doubt used to getting a rise out of the young and innocent. Gosh, these guys are all the same.

The man cleared his throat awkwardly and went on. "In case you are wondering, My name is Dr. Psycho, and you are here, as my guest, because you have a special connection with a certain hero."

Annie rolled her eyes. "Yeah."

Psycho was clearly put off his game now. He loomed over her with his tall frame. "Do I frighten you? Do I fill you with terror? Your boyfriend does not stand a chance against me!"

Annie looked into the yellow eyes and started to laugh, slowly. "What's so funny??" He demanded with a shout.

"Are you kidding?" Annie rolled her eyes again. "If I had a dime for every time I've heard that crap."

"Crap?? Young lady, I am Dr. Psycho! In the next twenty-four hours I will destroy New York's greatest super hero and bring the city to its knees thanks to the Deep Psychosis formula I invented and plan to introduce into the water supply."

Annie followed Dr. Psycho’s hand as he pointed to his proud achievement. It was a torpedo, maybe two tons in weight, suspended before a large sewer pipe by a steel chain, running up to the ceiling and down to a winch the wall. Such amateur posturing made Annie laugh out loud. "Poisoning the water? Gee, no one's tried that in the last three months. I swear, do you super villains have original ideas, ever??"

Dr. Psycho snatched a beaker off the lab table and slammed it to the floor. "You will rue the day you mocked me, Annie! Do you hear what I am--"

"I hear you, I hear you." Annie interrupted, still convulsing with laughter. "I've heard it a million times. Different lyrics, but same song. "I'm going to rule this city. I'm going to kill your boyfriend. I'm going to use you as bait, blah blah blah."

Psycho's shoulders drooped. "What... What do you mean you've heard it?"

"Listen... Psycho is it?"

"Dr. Psycho."

"Right, whatever. You said it a moment ago, my boyfriend is the world's most powerful super hero, War Eagle. We've been dating for two years now, as he seeks to balance the responsibility of power with the desire of his heart. And for the last year, every villain that's wanted to get their hands on the Eagle has done it through me."

"Really?"

Annie shook her head. "Oh yeah. Every last one of them."

Psycho rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Hmm."

"Mad Dog Makinski, The Razor, Captain Chaos, Demonica, Damien Faust, you name it." Annie looked around. "I've seen their lairs, heard their schemes, looked each one in the eye, and I gotta tell you... I don't like your chances."

"Ha," Psycho said. "What would you know?"

"My boyfriend for one," Annie answered. "He's got super powers you can't even conceive. I mean real powers. Super strength and speed, laser beam eyes. He's going to kick your butt."

"Not when he walks into my trap! You see that steel door?"

"Let me guess. That room is lined with triple wall titanium with a diamond-plated door, impossible for anyone to break out, and once my honey's locked inside you're going to fill it with water and sharks, or, gas him. Well it won't work! Scotty's stronger than your stupid sharks, and he's impervious to poison gas."

Psycho laughed nervously. "Scotty, huh?"

"Did I call him Scotty?" Annie shrugged. "Oh well. Doesn't matter. He's going to kill you before you ever pierce his secret identity."

Psycho shook his head. "You, uh, you're really not worried about my chances, are you?"

"Not at all," said Annie. "I've been kidnapped by the best, and you're far from it. He's going to snap you in half."

"I see." The mad man sat down in a chair, drumming his fingers on a table as he contemplated his impending doom. Even through the yellow eyes and face mask, he looked sad. Annie's heart went out to him.

"Oh don't take it so hard. Look, you got far than a lot of guys do."

"Yeah?"

"Sure! Most of the crooks and vandals War Eagle deals with never make it past petty theft or assault. You know how many thugs he collars in a week?"

"Yeah, but I'm not some petty thug, I'm a..." The poor fellow. He was really getting some perspective on the thing.

"You're a super villain," she said for him.

"I'm a loser," he said.

"Now is that any kind of attitude to take?"

"You just said yourself I have no chance."

"Sweetie, no one has a chance against my baby," Annie said. "It's not personal against you. He's just one heck of a super hero. That's all."

Psycho nodded, then looked up at her. "You've been through this a lot, huh?"

"More times than I care to remember," Annie said. "I've been snatched out of bed, from my job, off campus. It gets to be a real pain in the butt. I lost my scholarship last semester because Black Mamba decided to hold me hostage during mid-terms."

"That sucks," said Psycho.

"Yeah it does! One D on a biology test, and I'm paying full tuition. Well, Scotty picked up the tab with his reward money, but even so, that low grade might keep me out of grad school."

"What are you studying?"

"Nursing."

"Yeah? My mom was a nurse."

"Mine too!" Annie knew she was consorting with a vicious killer bent on conquering the world, but she didn't care. The conversation was too good. "My specialty's in pediatrics."

"You like kids?" asked Psycho.

"I love kids! I want about ten of them!"

"That's cool."

"Yeah." Annie sighed. "I don't know how that's going to work though. Scotty's super powers are the result of radiation he absorbed during a space walk. There's no way of knowing if we can have normal kids, or if they'll come out little green mutants."

"Space walk?" Psycho sat up, snapping his fingers. "Scott Powers, the billion dollar heir??"

Annie laughed. "That's my guy."

"Oh my gosh, I never would have guessed. I remember when he took that space vacation after inheriting his father's fortune. He seemed so small and scrawny before, than then there was the meteorite, he ended up in the hospital and when he came out... Gosh, how could I have missed that?"

"Yeah. It amazes me more people haven't caught on. Especially since he wears that stupid little mask."

"Don't like the mask, huh?"

Annie chuckled. "Gosh I hate it! He looks like Robin, and I'm like, 'Uh, honey? You sure you're into girls?' Makes him furious."

"Yeah," Psycho said, taking a more relaxed posture. "I gotta tell ya, the thing that gets me? The pink tights!"

"Oh, don't get me started!"

Psycho started to laugh. "I mean he's this macho tough guy with super powers wearing black, silver, and pink? What's up with that? Does he think he's Bret Hart or something?"

Annie burst out laughing. "He does! That was his childhood hero!"

"You're kidding!"

Super villain and hostage laughed heartily, the mood vastly lighter in Dr. Psycho's evil lair. Psycho casually lifted his face mask out of the way to wipe a tear. Annie caught sight of his face. "You're so handsome."

"Excuse me?"

"Sorry," said Annie. "I didn't mean to over step my bounds. I just think you have a handsome face is all."

Psycho lifted the mask a little higher. "You think so?"

"Oh yeah," said Annie. "Most crooks that wear masks like that do it to hide their less than threatening looks. But you? Strong chin, strong eyes." This prompted a smile from the evil one, and earned him another compliment. "Ooh, and a great smile."

"My mom always said I had a good smile."

"I bet the ladies say it too." Annie only spent half a second wondering why she asked.

"No, no, not the ladies," he said, shaking his head.

"Oh come on!" Annie prodded him. "You mean a guy like you didn't have them lined up in college?"

"Not in college, not in high school. I had lots of girls who were friends, but uh... You've seen Pretty in Pink?"

"Sure, who hasn't?"

"To them I was Ducky."

"Get out!"

"I'm serious!" Psycho said. "I never, ever got dates. I was everyone's big brother back then, and being a nice guy has it's advantages, but it just gets so frustrating. Why do you think I first started having evil thoughts?"

"Now that's unfortunate," said Annie.

"Why?"

"Because there aren't enough nice guys," said Annie.

"Girls don't want to date nice guys," said Psycho. "Well, I guess you're the exception, right?"

Annie looked down, thinking about the question. What was she saying? Where were these thoughts coming from? And for heaven's sake, why??

Psycho broke the silence. "Scotty's a good guy, right?"

"Sure, he's nice. He's..." Why bother lying? This man would die before he could ever relate the truth to anyone else. "He's never there when I need him. You know?"

"Ah," said Psycho. "The responsibility of power keeps him busy."

"Even when he's not fighting crime. Say I have a bad day, I need to talk. Does he listen?"

"Not so much, huh?"

"Not at all. I guess the problems of a young woman working her way through nursing school don't amount to a hill of beans next to a super hero's struggle. But it's my hill of beans, you know?"

"And it matters very much to you."

"Exactly!" The dam of emotions was now fully broken, and a girlfriend's frustration flowed freely. "He loves when I help clean his hero gear, sharpen his blades, clean out the car. But when I need help studying for a test, where's Scotty? Or like a month ago when my aunt was sick, where was Scotty? She was in the hospital over a month, did he ever go see her with me?"

"Guess not."

"You guessed right! He sent flowers, but that's nothing for Scotty. I get flowers every time I'm taken hostage. Not that they mean anything. It's his secretary that sends them because he's too busy to call the florist. And she doesn't even get my name right!"

"You're kidding!"

"No! They always come addressed to Anna. My name is not Anna, it's Annie! And after a dozen dozen roses and complaining every single time, you'd think she'd care enough to get it right."

"No, it's not her. He needs to be the one to care."

"I guess," said Annie. "But anytime I start thinking how hard life is on me, I think about what he goes through in a day. Busting minor thugs and the occasional city-wide menace like you. Am I being selfish?"

"Not at all," said Psycho. "See this is the thing that always got me about my friends. They dated the jocks and these smart guys who were going to make a ton of money, but the guys never appreciated them like I did. Neglect was the price they paid to date the popular guy. And I had to wonder why, why do you take that?"

"Because we're stupid!" said Annie. "We don't want to be controlling, we don't want to be selfish, and we just assume this is how it's supposed to be."

Annie looked up at Psycho, a silent moment drawing them closer than either of them ever could have imagined possible. He smiled that winning smile at her, and she returned one of her own. "And you said my smile was great," he said. "That's an award winner."

She blushed a little, in a way Scotty had utterly failed to do since day one. "What's your name?"

He smirked at her question. "You don't believe Psycho's my real name?"

"You're probably not even a real doctor," she said.

"Hey, I spent five years in evil grad school for that title!"

"All right, I'll guess. Steven? Michael? No, you look like a Brad."

"Alan," he said. "Alan Pepper."

She burst into laughter again. "You mean the great Dr. Psycho is really Dr. Pepper?"

He laughed with her. "I guess I set myself up on that one."

"What's your middle name?" she asked. "Come on, you won't be around long enough to regret sharing."

"You tell me yours," he insisted.

"Elaine," she said.

"William," he said back.

"Alan William Pepper," she said, savoring the way the consonants and vowels danced off her tongue. "I like it."

"Oh don't patronize me!" He said. "It's comments like that that made me go evil in the first place, remember?"

"Don't lump me in with those insensitive girls you used to hang with. I know a good thing when I see it."

"Yeah? So why you with Scotty?"

"Touché," she said. "But, without Scotty, maybe I never would have learned to appreciate the good thing."

"Maybe," he said.

"Maybe, she echoed.

"So are you always this charming with your captors?" Alan asked.

"Nah, most of them are too wrapped up in their characters to be human."

"So that makes me special," he quipped.

"More than you know." It was another comment she questioned herself for asking, but again, not too hard. What a shame, he truly was a sweet guy. In another time and place, things could have been different. Good different. Really good different. But he was too sweet, too good at heart to be any kind of a threat to her boyfriend, the War Eagle. The unfairness of it all was overwhelming. Her boyfriend was going to kill the only decent man she'd ever met.

Unless...

"Penny for your thoughts," he said, that smile giving rise to butterflies in her stomach like she had not felt in years. She shook off the butterflies. Think, strategize... Great. A moment she most needs to be creative and crafty, her thought process sounds like a William Shatner monologue.

WHAM!!!

Something loud and powerful on the other side of the diamond-plated door. No doubt it was War Eagle, Annie's dear Scotty, springing the trap he would soon crack. Annie heard the great whoosh of huge water pipes emptying into the death chamber. Soon the sharks would be released, helpless minnows in the clutches of War Eagle. The poor sharks. Poor Alan.

Poor Alan? Yeah, poor Alan. She meant it. She watched him frantically strap his mask back in place, becoming the ill-fated Dr. Psycho again. "He's in the tank. I must open the sewer pipe, prepare to launch the torpedo!"

"Too late," she said. She nodded her head to a spot on the wall twenty feet away. It was glowing red, and starting to hum. "He's melting through the wall."

"He can do that?"

"I told you, he's powerful!" Annie's mind raced, trying to come up with a plan to save this beautiful stranger. "You have to get out of here!"

"No!" he shouted, running to the control box on the wall. He flipped one switch, opening the sewer pipe hatch, then he cranked the winch slightly, adjusting the torpedo and aiming it straight into the pipe.

"There’s no time!" Annie shouted desperately. "Let it go, fight another day!"

"I'm sorry," said Psycho. "I've come too far, worked too hard. And if he thinks I'm going down without a fight--"

"You can't fight him!" she shouted over the roar of the wall collapsing. Salt water gushed into the room, drenching Annie to the waist and knocking Dr. Psycho off his feet. It was a pink-clad leg that first emerged from the new hole, as War Eagle stepped into the room, half a shark in his powerful right hand.

"The game's over, Psycho! You're all washed up."

Dr. Psycho defiantly stood to his feet, aiming a hand-held ray gun at War Eagle and firing wildly as he ran. "You'll never take me alive!"

The laser beams bounced off War Eagle's chest as he moved closer. He reached Annie in a matter of seconds and loosed her chains with one burst from his laser eyes. "Sorry 'bout this, Annie."

"Did he get away?" she asked, rising to her feet and shaking the chains off.

"Do they ever?" He moved on, scanning the room with x-ray vision unparalleled in the ranks of super heroes. His back was to Annie, and she ran quickly across the room.

"A ha!" War Eagle exclaimed. He let loose a terrific blast from his eyes, incinerating a large computer console and revealing a cowering, frightened purple and black villain. Dr. Psycho drew his ray gun, only to have that incinerated by the same ray gun eyes.

Annie knew it was now or never.

"Dr. Psycho," said War Eagle. "You're fired."

Annie hit the release button on the winch, and the doomsday torpedo fell directly on top of the mighty War Eagle.

*********

It was the next afternoon before Annie had a chance to talk with her boyfriend. Earlier in the day, two deliveries arrived at her apartment. She got a dozen roses addressed to Anna. She got another dozen addressed to Annie. Sitting at her breakfast table sipping coffee, Scotty was too wrapped up re-living the tale of the one that got away to notice the extra dozen.

"How's the head?" she asked.

"It's fine," he said. "I mean, I'm a little rattled, but who wouldn't be having a torpedo dropped on their head?"

"Most people would be dead," she said.

"Not me, baby. Not me. Still it chafes me that someone so clueless is saved by his own ineptitude."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that chain, holding that torpedo in place. Clearly it wasn't strong enough to hold that torpedo. Super villain buys the wrong equipment for the job, and in one lucky moment, it saves him."

"Yeah," Annie said. "Funny how that happens."

"Oh well," he said. "My girlfriend is safe. The city water supply uncontaminated. I saved the day." He laughed, enjoying his own greatness. "Still a good day, right?"

Annie could not contain the smile. "Yes."

Scotty sipped his coffee thoughtfully, then said, "These super villains never learn their lesson. Dr. Psycho will strike again, and when he does, I'll be waiting."

"Yeah," said Annie. "Me too."

Copyright 2006 by John Cosper