Snow White Was a Vamp

Snow White Was A Vamp

By John Cosper

The story you are about to read was discovered in the safety deposit box of one Evan J. Richards of Dyson, Ohio. Mr. Richards, who died of exposure during a hunting trip, was the owner of Dyson Hardware for twenty years, an upright member of the community, and one time chairman of the Parent-Teacher's Association at Dyson Elementary. He was survived by his wife and son, Bram, who discovered this story among his financial documents. The authenticity of the story cannot be verified; however, it is known that Mr. Richards did study at Munich University during the fall of 1981.

When I was a kid, my mom made me watch "Snow White." She wasn't trying to make me a sissy nor nothin'. She just thought that since she had to drag my sister to see "Star Wars" about a hundred times, it was only fair I go see this flick about a princess. There was this wicked queen who thought she was a fox. But she got crows feet or something, and one day, her magic mirror buddy tells her that her daughter's kinda hot. Hotter than her, in fact. Myself, I didn't see it, but whatever. Not my tale.

Well, the queen gets this lackey of hers to take the girl in the woods to execute her. The guy has a flippin' change of heart, right? He lets the girl go, and she scampers off into the woods, where she shacks up with a bunch of midgets. The old queen eventually tracks her down and kills her with a poisoned apple. The midgets push the old bag off a cliff. Then, a handsome prince arrives and kisses her. Everybody's happy, the end. Right?

Eh, not exactly.

My story begins with that semester I spent abroad. My college roomie Jake and I got to travel to Bavaria. Total fluke of luck, one of them things that seemed like an okay thing at the time. See, we lived in the old dorm on campus, thanks to our cheap parents who wouldn't spring for the nice ones. And one day, as we were deep into a discussion about the socialist critique of Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, the ceiling caves in.

Let me rephrase that: the asbestos-filled ceiling caved in.

Well, next thing we know, two slackers with 1.8 GPAs are offered full rides, and a chance to study abroad. We're thinking, all right! Amsterdam! We didn't get that lucky, but Bavaria? Beer capital of the world? It's a close second.

So Jake and I are in Germany, sittin' at a bar, tryin' to figure out a way to get down to the beaches of the Riviera to see some girls, when this old guy plops down next to us and orders Mead. Mead, right? And it just so happens the old goon speaks English. Thinking maybe he was a trucker, we explain our plight, and ask in what direction he might be hauling.

The old guy tells us, "Forget the beaches. I can get you a princess."

We're both a little drunk, so we're all, "Huh?"

He looks at us. "You're American boys, ja?" Loved how them Germans said "ja."

We says yes. He says, "You ever hear of Snow White?"

Somewhat ashamed, I tells him, "Sure, I saw it once."

"She sleeps in the woods," he says. "In a glass casket, perfectly preserved, waiting for true love's first kiss."

Jake's like, "You're crappin' me, right?"

The old man looks at us real serious. "For three hundred years, have I wandered the Earth. I was the huntsman, tasked with offing the queen's only child. But seeing her lovely visage, I just couldn't do it. So she runs off, and the queen... well, you know the rest of the story."

"Yeah, happy ever after, right?" I say.

"No, no, not yet!" he said. "The princess, she's still dead. Sleeping. In the casket."

"She is?" I said.

"Yeah. More lovely than ever, too. I mean you may think that Paris Hotel girl is hot, but she ain't got nothin' on Snow White." He drank from his Mead, wiping it from his beard, then went on. "She's been there four centuries. And in all that time, her only hope for release has been me."

"Why you?" Jake asked.

"I was cursed, like her and them elves," he said. "Cursed to live until the day she wakes with true love's kiss."

"Not saying we believe you," I says, "But where is this chick?"

He pulled out an ancient map, like that one Captain Jack had in the pirates movie. "This map wil guide you. Go there. The dwarves will welcome you. They've been waitin' a long time."

The old huntsman threw some cash on the bar and was gone, leaving the map.

So did we go? Two girl-crazy college boys on their first visit to Europe who would do anything to get out of class? Heck yeah. Biggest mistake of our lives, but by golly, we went.

The next afternoon, we set off for a little hike in the woods. Like a couple of idiots, we got a late start on the day. The smart thing would have been to go early in the morning, so as to avoid any movie cliche "lost in the woods after dark" trauma. But no, not us. It was three before we left the dorms, and four-thirty by the time we set foot in the woods.

We shoulda known something was wrong. Being this was a fairy tale come true, we expected a lot of scary trees, roadblocks, maybe even some wolves or something. What was got was a leisurely two hour jaunt in the woods that ended at a tiny cottage. There, just like the old woodsman said, was the glass casket with the hottest babe we had ever seen.

"Welcome, strangers," said a tiny voice. We turned to see a glassy-eyed dwarf looking up at is. Another dwarf walked into sight. "Welcome." And another. "Welcome." Seven dwarves in all came out, looking like they had just come from front row seats at a Dave Matthews show.

"Err, hi," I said.

"You have come to free the princess. We thank you," said the lead dwarf.

"Yeah, we came to check things out," said Jake. "Not sure I'm ready for marriage just yet."

"You will be," said the lead dwarf. "The princess will persuade you."

"Yes, yes, persuade you!" the others echoed.

"Come," said the lead dwarf. "We will make you dinner."

Before we could object, the little guys led us into their tiny house, where they served us the most amazing pot roast you ever tried. Seriously, I don't know what they spiced it with (and in retrospect, I probably don't wanna), but these guys knew how to do beef. They all sat and watched as we ate and ate and ate.

Yeah, now it seems odd, but at the time? Come on, we were hungry college kids. And besides, a girl I made out with who was in the Peace Corps taught me to always eat what people in foreign cultures set before you so you don't insult them.

The lead dwarf, who the others called Heinrich, said, "Snow White will be happy to see you. And two such young men as you will be twice the treat."

Jake and I looked at one another, not sure how to take that. "You mean the princess is okay with having two princes?"

"Wow!" said the shortest one, called Zoltan. "You are royalty?"

"Well, no," said Jake. "But if we marry the princess, we will be, right?"

The dwarves laughed.

"It is nearly sunset!" said the one called Rupert. "The time approaches!"

The dwarves bounced with glee, like a bunch of stoned midgets. As the sun began to set, Heinrich began to tell the tale of Snow White... but man, it was nothing, NOTHING like Walt Disney said it was.

"Many moons ago, the queen of Eternia sat on her throne. Every day she would ask her mirror who the fairest in the land was. Every day the mirror would tell her it was she. But then one day, a child was left on her doorstep. The child grew in age, but not in beauty. She was an ugly duckling, who grew jealous of her mother. Then one day, she met a man from Transylvania who promised her the secret of eternal beauty. The man, Vlad, made her an immortal, and in doing so, granted her eternal beauty."

Yeah, this was about the part I wet myself.

"When the queen learned of her daughter's immortality, and when the mirror was unable to detect her image, she sent her huntsman out to slay her. But Snow White persuaded the huntsman to be her servant."

"Persuade! Persuade!" The other dwarves danced.

"She came to our cottage, where we in our foolish ways refused her lodging. Then she persuaded us to be her children."

"Persuade! Persuade!" the others danced. I could tell by the look on his face that Jake, too, had soiled himself.

"For hundreds of years, the huntsman has sent the young men to her side, so that she may persuade them to be her lifeblood. And now, young men of the world, tonight, you will be her bridal feast."

I was on my feet and headed for the door. The little boogers blocked the door, barricading us in.

"Dude, save me!"

I turned, horrified by what I saw. It was her, all right. Skin pale and white as snow. Made perfect sense why they described her that now. She was a hottie, and she sank her hot teeth and hot lips into Jake's neck. He screamed for help, but the dwarves tackled me. I crashed into a chair that splintered underneath me as they pinned me down.

It took ten minutes to drain poor Jake, who looked like a big, whitish raisin by the time she was done. Dabbing her mouth with a hankie, she approached me.

"This one has such nice features," she said. "And it has been too long since we had a puppet to play with. Shall I save him for later? Or shall we persuade him to join us?"

The dwarves echoed their chant. "Persuade! Persuade! Persuade!"

They released me into her soft, sinewy arms. "Don't worry, poppet, this will only hurt a sec."

I wish I could say in that moment I had a witty comeback, you know like John McClane in Die Hard or Buffy on that Vampire Slayer show. If ever I had a moment, that was it, but all I could get out was "YEEEEEUUUURRRRGGH!!" as I grabbed the splintered leg of the broken chair and shoved it into her chest.

Snow White screamed in agony, flailed around a bit, then dropped dead. The dwarves shrieked, then exploded, one at a time, into dust.

I got out of those woods fast as I could. I got a plane ticket home and went back to America. No one ever found a trace of Jake. I thought about telling my story to the proper authorities, but... dude, I've seen X-Files. It's not worth the risk. So I chose to write down my memories and seal them in a safety deposit box until the time of my death. Two reasons: I don't know if that huntsman is out there. And two, if my sister and mom found out I killed Snow White, holidays would be a nightmare.