The Sad Lament of the Seeker Friendly Martyrs

The Sad Lament of the Seeker-Friendly Martyrs

By John Cosper

Once upon a time there were four men who met once a week to play golf: an attorney, a banker, an entrepreneur, and a preacher. The former three were all member’s of the latter’s congregation at Sunny Happy Seeker Church of Sunny Happy Valley, the largest and richest Megachurch in all the land. The men would play a round of 18, smoke cigars, then sip their Diet Cokes and talk about all the Lord had done for them in the clubhouse.

One day, the men were talking about the Lord when their conversation turned to the early church. They talked about persecution, torture, and martyrdom, and all manner of things that, quite frankly, were taboo in the pulpit of Sunny Happy Seeker Church . After all, the Lord was a good God, and he would never ask so much of his children in this day and age. Still, the four golfing buddies had an admiration for those early Christians.

"They were heroes!" said the attorney. "Without their sacrifice, we would have none of this."

"Amen!" shouted the entrepreneur. "We owe them our faith, our fortunes, and all the blessings that spring forthwith."

"I tell you, brothers," said the pastor, "I thank the Lord every day we don’t face torture for our faith."

The banker thought about this statement long and hard. "Supposing we did face such persecution. Do you think we’d be okay?"

The pastor laughed. "Oh ye of little faith. Why even talk of such things? God will not let his children suffer any more."

"The Lord is good," said the attorney. "He would snatch us from the jaws of death."

"He would not let anyone touch a hair on your head."

"I hear what you’re saying," the banker said. "I’m just asking what if? Do you think we would have the faith to stand strong and die?"

The pastor cheerily ordered another Diet Coke for his pal. "Friend, do not dwell on these things. We will never have to face such persecution."

Little did the men know that at the next table over, another foursome listened in with eager anticipation. These men were not church men, but mad scientists who found that a round of golf was good for easing the madness in their hearts. Yet even after 18 holes, they were still mad, and prone to great evil.

Chief among the mad scientists was one Dr. Dexter Argyle, who had invented a Time Swap Machine. Not a true Time Machine as the science fiction writers had envisioned, the Time Swap would allow a person to go back in time – so long as they traded places with someone from the past, who would take their place in the present. It was truly a mad invention, and the main reason Dr. Argyle was considered such a mad scientist.

Upon hearing the men of God discuss persecution, a very mad idea came to his head. He shared it with his colleagues, who all agreed it was supremely mad and had to be done. The doctor pulled the Time Swap device from out of his golf bag and activated it, sending the men of God hurtling backwards through time.

The attorney, the preacher, the banker, and the entrepreneur suddenly found themselves in a Roman cell beneath the Colisseum. They were frightened and angry at this sudden turn of events because not only were they out of their own time, but they had lost their Diet Cokes.

"What is happening?" asked the very frightened entrepreneur.

"It looks like the ancient Colisseum at Rome !" shouted the pastor. "Why, it’s just like that Gladiator movie!"

The men peered out through the bars. Out in the arena, they saw lions devouring the flesh of Christians, while other Christians burned on posts or slowly suffered on crosses.

The attorney turned to the banker, angry. "What have you done?"

"I didn’t do anything!" said the banker.

"You fool!" the pastor shouted. "You’ve doomed us all!"

"Hey, I didn’t wish for us to be here!" said the banker. "I just said what if!"

"Maybe God is testing us!" said the entrepreneur. "This could be a dream, or a vision. We just have to have faith."

The cell door opened, and a tall Roman soldier entered. "You!" he said to the entrepreneur. "Do you believe in Jesus?"

The entrepreneur swallowed hard. "It’s only a dream. Nothing will happen. Yes, I believe in—"

Before he could finish, the entrepreneur felt the soldier grasp his $70 shirt with his initials embroidered on the cuffs and hurl him into the arena. An angry tiger roared at him. The entrepreneur still stood his ground.

"It’s only a dream! It’s only a dream!"

The impact of the tiger pouncing on his chest and biting him was all the entrepreneur needed to convince him this was no dream. It was his final thought as he died on the arena floor.

"He ate him!" The attorney shouted. "The tiger ate Monroe !"

The soldier was back, this time picking the attorney up. "You! Do you believe in Jesus?"

The attorney smiled. "Can you come back to me?"

"Coward!" the soldier roared. "We will let the tigers decide who you are!"

The soldier drug the attorney into the ring. He hit the ground running, doing two whole laps (because he was a good distance runner) before the nimble tiger pounced and ate him.

"What kind of men are we?" said the banker. "Saying we believe? We know nothing of faith. Not like these early believers."

"Yes," said the pastor, quite soberly. "I guess you never know who you truly are until you find your faith tested."

The soldier entered and looked at the pastor. "You! You believe in Jesus?"

The pastor laughed. "Heck no! He was a fraud! Total fake. I renounce all belief in him."

The soldier nodded and opened the rear door to the cell. "Very well then, off you go."

The pastor looked at the banker, ashamed, then ran for his life.

The soldier shut the door and turned to the banker. "Well, what say you? Do you believe in Jesus?"

The memorial service for the pastor and the three men, who had gone missing two days before, was a somber event. Thousands turned out to mourn the beloved preacher and three men whose tithes had helped build the plush, ornate sanctuary in which their lives were celebrated. It was a moving experience that would have been perfect – had it not been for the four paupers who showed up to ridicule their faith.

"What is this? You build ivory towers to hide your light from the world? Christ’s true church is out in the world, dying for the faith so that others may believe! But you, God will spit you out of his mouth for your lack of zeal!"

The four paupers were promptly spat out of the church. Shaking the dust from their feet, they left that temple of self-righteousness and entered a strange new world, hearts open, praying that God would lead them to people whose ears might be open to hearing about the Christ, the son of the living God.